Dating a married girl

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One day I got a telephone number from street with home adress. In my heart, I want to be with her. I hug her and she told me dont sex with her.

This is really about two people accidentally falling in love after one has been married. But that is what I see in this situation. Hi Jenny, I experienced what you have gone through recently. I have known plenty of people who chose to avoid the turbulence and disruptions of love in favor of the predictable control of what dating a married girl familiar. Romantic encounters were often described with terms like or. All three people in this triangular arrangement have their issues. Philippine Girls and other Pinay Girls In this modern time, searching for Filipino women or Philippine Girls can also be done through online dating such as joining in some Filipino Dating sites like Cebuanas. Please help I have the same issue she was a woman came into my life long ago.

And then the dream died. Archived from on 2011-07-23. Hope you keep finding useful love-life info on it.

How to Date a Married Woman - This is what I get for involving myself with a married woman.

Fundamentally, they are unstable, like three legs on a table. Something always goes wrong, or at least it should, because triangles usually end up hurting people more than anything else. Triangles exist simply because a problem is not being resolved in a marriage. Two people get married and have marital problems, instead of resolving those problems either by fixing the relationship or ending it, which by the way can be a valid resolution of a problem, a third party is brought into the relationship, and now you have a triangle. But I think there are plenty of people who never should have gotten together to begin with. A lot of misery is avoided with a respectful ending and opportunity to start again with someone else after a period of sincere efforts to fix a love relationship. Instead, defensive stuff happens like distancing from each other or finding another lover to make up for what is not happening in the marriage. Too many pieces for stability what you get instead is fragmentation, conflict, and limited intimacy. The target of desire in the relationship is the woman. The marriage is active and bonded. For a time this may feel freeing and easy. He may start thinking about asking her to leave her husband. This is when the trouble starts happening. My heart goes out to him more than any one else in this arrangement because he is usually the one who gets disturbed first and has more to lose. He could be thrown out of the triangle and the married couple could end up fixing their relationship, this could happen. All three people in this triangular arrangement have their issues. It only brings this issue roaring to the surface. In my mind, this is an opportunity for growth because triangles are not good for people. The work needed is usually in the area of developing a better tolerance for love and intimacy by clearing out whatever fears and blockage the guy has in the way. Then he can go after a whole and available single woman. Anyway, the married man like his supposed competition is afraid of a deeper intimacy as well. They have this in common. His willingness to live in a limited marital relationship thinly disguises this fear of deeper love and intimacy. The question is whether or not the married man will fix this intimacy issue with this wife. In this kind of triangle with two men and a woman, there are instances when the two men fight over the woman. This kind of drama is amusing only because if they consciously knew how connected they both are and how much they have in common they might realize that it would be more profitable for both of them to have a conversation together about the whole thing in a coffee shop or something. That way they would learn about their love life issues and probably resolve the triangle with less pain, skipping the whole painful machismo thing. Another interesting dynamic I find in this kind of triangle is, the married man could be functioning unconsciously in a pseudo-fathering role for himself and his wife. The clues for this kind of dynamic can sometimes be found in their sexual relationship. If sex is kind of weak and the romance is minimal, that could make it easier to create a father-daughter bond out of a husband-wife relationship. OK, on to the married woman. I left the best for last because in this particular triangle, with one woman and two men, the triangle is really under her control. Her psychological issues are running the show, or more precisely, the triangle. One is stressful enough these days. This is the kind of situation that ages people. If she could recover from such an evening and say, this is crazy! Unfortunately, most triangulated married women opt for a resurgence of effort and energy into getting better at controlling the double lives they are trying to lead. As a psychologist, I know that double living is toxic. Unfortunately, a lower percentage of married women in triangles have that insightful need for change I just described before the triangle falls apart against her will. The married woman has to either recommit herself to her marriage or grieve the loss of it. This will take emotional priority over starting a new committed love relationship. People need to leave something emotionally before they can recommit emotionally to something else. Otherwise the past, unfinished emotional business is always threatening to invade the present. Jordan Everything that was said in that story was absolutely 100% correct. It finally has come to an end when her husband and her decided she needed to quit her job in order to be away from me so that she could fix her marriage. I have never been so hurt in my life. It has been 2 weeks since we have last talked. We both fell in love with each other and she even told me she would never have such a strong connection with anyone like me and her had. Thank you for your comment. Your heart is broken and you are in a very painful situation. You fell in love with the right woman at the wrong time in her life. The fact that she is not available is the source of your pain. The fact that you fell in love, however, is a good thing. Once you have grieved the ending of this relationship and moved on, you can learn from your mistake and when ready find an available lover. I would recommend that you find a therapist to help you through the loss if the emotional pain becomes unbearable. I also hope that you will check back with us regarding our tele-workshops in the fall. Take good care of yourself through this difficult time. Jordan I want to be happy and i know that since shes married I will never be happy with her. Thank you so much again for all of your advice and support. I know its only been a short time but I am ready to fall in love and be happy for the rest of my life. I do think about her still every single day. But this story u wrote gave me such great closure to now that she choose to work on her marriage and not take that leap of faith with me. If she divorces I will have to worry about it then. I too have something to say about this. I was the married woman and it I who has had my heart broken. I was having an affair with a younger man who I loved with my whole heart , body and soul. The other man told me he was happy with our situation as long as he could see me. I worried that he was lonely. I told him that I would never come between him and anyone else if he found someone because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I am the one who has had my heart torn to pieces and made to feel that this is all my fault. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation be it the other man or the other woman. I am left destroyed emotionally , mentally and physically. I will also love and miss my love for the rest of my life. I am just at this moment the other man in this triangle… She told me of a love that she is feeling for me, which I actually never believe could exsist around me. I told her my plans which I would like to have with her and now she told me she needs time to decide if the can take the leap or not. Regards Michael, hopefully this will help someone. Hi Jenny, I experienced what you have gone through recently. I still love her, think about her and care about her. Please contact me, I want to know how I can make her feel better about all this catastrophe. What you need to trust is that he did and will always love you. Things ALWAYS get better, just remember life ebbs and flows. I am married for two years now but I realised that I chose a wrong man on the very first day of our marriage. I want to marry him. We are involved physically and emotionally. I really want to marry him and have his babies. Do you think he would still love me after I tell him i am married but want to divorce and marry you. Please help I have the same issue she was a woman came into my life long ago. Both of us were not married at the time. As ten years passed we started talking again for two years we have developed feelings for eachother and the bond feels stronger than it ever was.. She is currently married and her husband is an alcoholic. We have been intimate a few times and I want more but to no avail we quit than start seeing eachother again.. There is always love in my heart for her I want nothing else but its also painful. I cant say no to her. I was a married woman who had to quit her job…not once but twice…sooo in live with another man who still holds my heart today. I tried…I went back to work the second time, confessed my love ready to lose everything and proceed with my divirce, but I was too late. He no longer loves me. In now in therapy grieving the loss of my one true love, and realizing I could love like this has forced me to ask for the divorce. Because now I know I can have and do deserve to feel love , real love. I am not perfect. I am the other man in an octagon. She has been my dear friend for over 30 years. She, at one time was married to my best friend growing up till he simply messed it all up. She overlapped that marriage with the one she has now. She has always been the type to have a main dish, and a side dish…or several side dishes. At the moment, her behavior with me, is that of me being a future main dish, so to speak. However, I doubt it will be in the near future. Right now we seem to be our normal friendship we have always had; but suddenly buried feeling are now being shared with one another openly when we are alone. Certainly all of our close friends have seen it. Several have made comments over the years, and there have been more than one who have asserted that her and I are more than we appear, and that there is somehting going on between us…but till very recently, there never was. In this situation, she has a lot of male friends. She is like the queen of a matriarchy. Only I, and he cousin know who she is, or is not actually intimate with at any given time though. The other guys do not know she is with any of the others. She has each one thinking he is special. Ex boyfreinds, ex husbands etc… Except for her current husband, I am the only one not an ex of hers. We all know each other, and get along very well. Not sure it would be like that if it was out in the open of course. I told her that we would not make a good marriage, and that she would have to see me with another eventually. That she would most likely have to be friends with the new girl, and that our relations would cease at that point. Both of our hearts are going to get broke, I am sure. She gets jealous when any of her boys has a new girl. But she always salvages the friendships after, somehow. I doubt this is going to help anyone. Nick Thank you Nick for sharing your love life story. When you said relations with her would cease if and when you found someone new, I had the thought that you want something more for yourself. Perhaps the depth of a one on one intimate love relationship. Inevitably, most people will outgrow this arrangement. She herself may move from whatever need she has to be the matriarch in control of a desiring group of men, to figuring out how to deepen your own love life. I hope she does. Good luck Nick, and thanks for visiting my blog. Sorry for the late response to your comment, but summer has me here and there. If is so that is disaster — they study and mirror your opinions and attitudes, presenting you back to yourself and you think they are perfect — and for this work they put in they expect complete loyalty and service from you and offer none in return. Thanks for the your information about the triangle which helped me no end. My relationship with the person I was helping stopped but she kept texting me. Soon the texts increased in number and we began to talk on the phone and got very familiar. I even think that she had already decided that I was a good replacement for her no good husband. His wages always went to gambling and using drugs. Cut a long story short we became heavily involved and although he moved out, he was still popping in to see the two kids and to take one of them to school. He was however suspicious that she was up to something. We had a great time seeing each other in secret and going away together every chance we got. One thing I noticed was that she was always trying to get me to buy her stuff and pay for things including a breast operation. She never offered to pay a penny towards anything and believed that I should pay for everything. I got aroused by seeing her texts or hearing her voice and when we were together just wanted to get to a point when I could have sex with her. She asked me about her situation and I told her the truth. She thought that for a married woman with kids to have an affair is the lowest of low and that she is just after my money. I was troubled by the nature of our relationship and kept asking her to deal with him and get the lawyers involved but she kept putting it off. He caught us once about a year ago and we managed to lie and get away with it. He bought it then but was very suspicious. About a month ago she came to my flat and after we had had sex and got dressed there was a knock on my door. He had even heard her in the flat calling my name and had managed to peak through the letter slot and see her come out of my bedroom. Normally we walk around with little clothes but on this occassion we both got dressed. She decided to deny that anything was going on and he reluctantly accepted it. He has threatened to throw acid onto her face if he catches her again and as a result she has cut off all communications with me. The excitement of being with someone over 20 years younger than me and the times we had together made me loose weight, go to the gym and become alot more active. I wanted closure and felt very exploited. She rang me to say that nothing had changed and he still followed her everywhere and she was very scared about the acid attack. I had told her that all photos had been deleted but I just lied. I thought this was a year of my life and cost me a fortune and I every right to hold onto them. She thinks they are deleted again now. I have this horrible feeling in my stomach all the time and have cried a lot. However reading your article gave me a new perspective and got me out of my denial. It was all a fantasy for both of us. I would be grateful to receive any advice or suggestions. I hung in for ten years and believed that some day we would share the life we talked about. She has the most beautiful soul I have ever known, we trusted each other and could talk about anything. She now feels that she is a terrible wife and cheater but is willing to go back to her alcoholic husband. I feel so stupid and foolish. I have no idea who you are, what you stand for, or what intentions you hold; however I do believe you are worthy! You must not forget this pain it is necessary. Remember your actions and analyze your situation. Such actions are admirable. If we lived in a world where love could overcome strength and duty she just might be yours, and I just might have my own lovely angel, but unfortunately we do not live in that world. Find what you want out of life. What do you want to be remembered for? These are the questions you should ask. Accept that she loved you and you loved her and for that moment in time you two shared and expressed all that was needed. The knowledge you gained from her is fuel for a new engine. Build your engine, gas it up! I promise you that if you follow your calling and submit yourself completely you will find happiness. In life we go up and down in a constant struggle to find an equilibrium that rarely exists. People who are truly worthy are given the most painful trials and tasks. Please rise above it, this life has much more to offer. Both in happiness and in sorrow. Society has failed to help marriages succeed.. As now we R Just giving each other love when we can!!! U all want her back.. My story is, I fell into this triangle and to this day I am not sure how. Obviously there was a major connection, and I knew this was not a good situation specially since I was coming off a loss of a 5 year relationship. She managed to open my heart after two months of talking. And that when love emotions started to surface. At a point I stated we cannot get any closer because I knew she was the kind of women I would fall for. That was not what she wanted, and she pursued me. Fast forward 5 months later, after being tired of being the option and not the choice, I decided to end it. By this time I have already fallen in love, and she having no intentions of leaving where she is at, I find myself broken. Moving on is extremely painful and difficult and do not know how. Two failed attempts at love back 2 back. I just feel like moving far away as possible at this point. I even have the thoughts of going to settle down in another country where everyone and everything around me is new. Thats how heartbreaking and hard it is too move on. Im the other guy in this situation. Her husband is a wife beater and unmatured uncapable boy who cant solve a probem by using his brain. I love her till now and she is still struggling with her toddler of a husband. I dont know why she is still holding on Me too! If you want to call it that, has been slowly suffocating me for over 4 years! It has taken me to extreem highs, to the lowest of lows! We have an age difference of 12 years, I am 51. We have an amazing connection, a profound love, sex is very deep, very intimate. However although we have it all, the guilt she is suffering is now keeping her trapped in her marriage. She and her husband have been to counselling, her family are aware of me, she has revealed her affair to her husband… Under duress from me I threatened to tell him out of frustration We have taken each other to the extremes of pain! Many times, but she just cannot leave her husband. She tells me she does not love him, but is stuck! It is dismantling me completely, I admit I am in tremendous pain! My hope is similar to a birthday sized candle that is lit, in a tunnel that can fit a locomotive! I have tried in the past to move on, and leave her be! I have gone out with other women, but that just brings me down even more, as I am continuously comparing, and find all the faults in other women. I ask myself often, how did I get so f…. ATM to add to it, I wake every morning at 3am, my head gets too busy with thoughts of her, and what more I can offer from my life, to help her make that move! Reality there is nothing more! What a poor excuse of a man I am, to have Been beaten so badly by a woman! True, deep love is a formidable weapon! I offer good luck to the other, other men! Thank you Franck for your heartfelt comment. In all of us deep down inside is a self-preservation instinct that tells us to stop doing something in order to get healthier. Your comment tells me your self-perseveration instinct is screaming at you. Leaving this relationship will be difficult at best. Grief will be painful and may last a while. I would recommend a total and complete leaving. Like all grief, it passes in time. Thank you for using my blog. Jordan Thank you for your comments Dr, it is appreciated, you taking time to offer advice is an exceptional gift! The one thing I cannot comprehend, and possibly you may be able to shed some light? She disclosed the affair to her husband, by writing a letter to him, the content of the letter I do not know. She stated to me, some time after, while questioning her, what his reaction was, He asked her if we had been away on trips together, she answered yes, he asked how long it had been going on? I asked her how was the home environment after this episode, she stated that they were both very polite to each other, that he did not ask for anymore details, and that their home life just continued on as if nothing really! He did not ask to separate, he did not treat with anger,although she could see he was not happy! This is after they had been to counselling, after her declaration of not feeling love for him, after telling him about a lot of things she was not happy with! I need to understand how he can still stay with her after all that was said and done! She stated to me that before the affair he would tell her he loved her every day! Sometimes a few times in a day, she was able to tell me, in the very beginning of our affair, that she knew he loved her more than she did him! So how does a man stay with a woman he loved so much, and she betrayed him, how does any man ignore that most destroying behaviour? Unreal story that parallels my situation almost to a tee, except her husband has now moved out of the house. She had went to the court to start her divorce paperwork, but has now decided to slow everything down and not pursue filing at time. Oh our poor hearts were not designed for this kind of stress and heartache! Should I continue to hang in there or walk away? Husbands with wandering wives are looked down upon for a good reason. Thanks for your comment Jack. If sex without commitment is the only thing the guy in question is looking for than I agree he probably feels he succeeded in getting something for nothing. Thanks again for your comment. Where do I start? It started a year after my devorce, includeing a failed job and income, had to move back home closer to family because I have custody of my beautiful daughter who is now almost 3yrs old. I will admit, during the seperation of my devorce I slept with anything that was attractive and who was willing. Then when I stopped sleeping around with the local bar hangouts and left a music band I started talking to this married women who I knew from school. She exposed after a week or 2 that her husband cheated on her 3 yrs ago. She mentioned to return the favor she had cheated on him with another married man that ended 6 months before talking to me.. We would talk and laugh for hours on the phone and on the internet.. Again over 2 yrs. I should also mention her husband the sole financial provider as she was a stay at home mom with a 5 yr old and 7 yr old…After us seeing each other for over year, in sept of that first year, they had the house on the market, he moved out, and they were trying to plan out there devorce. Heres where it takes a twist that was unexpected sense I thought in my mind this was the women I was going to settle down with at the time i was 38yrs old. She found out in january that her husband was seeing the same girl he had the first affair with and she got angry at him because of who the person was.. The other women that in her mind started all this. It went down hill in a matter of a week or two. She was undecisive about stopping the devorce or moving forward. She told her husband about me , but she didnt go into details about the length of the affair.. The husband moved back in. Thats not me lol. She asked to see me for a chat. From there it took off again. I told her that I wouldnt pressure her about getting a devorce, I also told her I was in the state of mind that haveing 50% of her mind and body was better then nothing. Now here comes july.. BOOOM he is caught cheating again with the same girl. KEM was angry but didnt have a melt down, like before in january. But She is still depressed , about not seeing me as much , missing me , wishing she could get her fears out of the way and the messed up situation. Here is a women that belived in marriage, had a good up bringing, is intelligent but is scared to make that jump, scared about the unknown…unknown meaning where will she live, how will she survive. The only thing stopping her is FEAR, which means shes broken, now I know that, Shes insecure and unsure of her own strength.. No matter what I say to solve the issues its a Trust prolblem.. Not trusting if she can come out on top. I will let you know that her husband and I make the same amount of income just under 80k, but I am starting over per say? I cant imagine living with out her. I tried the friend thing with her back in jan -feb and that didnt work. Im writing this today just because. Just to tell my story.. I do know that it coluld be a heartbreak for me whether she stays or goes as far as the marriage. I dont want to share her anymore. I dont like hiding my feelings for her. Your story is filled with love and pain. Sometimes, we can get into a situation where the feeling of love emerges but the person we are loving is not quite emotionally available to share that love totally. This is the thought and feeling I was trying to convey in my post. This is the thought and feeling I sense in your story. The love is real but it is the wrong time and place. When this happens we can find ourselves in the middle somewhere between love and loss. It is time to take care of yourself. But now is the time to let yourself be helped by someone who can guide you in making the best decisions for you and your daughter. Kem has to figure out what to do with her marriage, otherwise your relationship will continue to hurt. Find a professional person you feel comfortable telling this story to. Put that to the side. Your need for help does not make you weak. Time to practice on you. Take care, and thanks again for your comment. Hi, Cant believe its been two years since I posted the comment. If any argument happens, she brings up her issues with her husband and makes a point that im fighting for silly reasons. She talks bout future plans bout her husband,Infact she has told tat he takes care of her needs better than me. Not sure whats going on. She is trying to let you go. Why be an infidel? Sorry to be so blunt. But that is what I see in this situation. Because I experienced it first hand. I played the married wife cheating on her man. Could not walk away from it for selfish reasons. I justified my behavior because I was not passionately in love with my husband. My husband was controlling, boring, and unattractive to me. Why did I marry him? Because he was kind, loving, a Christian, and I could trust him. He would never break my heart. He loved me so much more than I loved him. He would never leave me. The problem with that was I underestimated my own need to be in love with him. Then things would just fizzle out. It made me feel unattractive and low self esteem set in. I would hurt all the time. That is who my husband is. A man who loves me deeply. I love him too, but have never been in love with him. It is not his fault. I was a broken mess before I married him. I took a vow with this man in the presence of God. I married for keeps. He has been a faithful loving man the whole time. My cheating is due to my own personal affliction. My reasons for cheating were not justifiable. Neither are yours sir. All marriages have problems. It is wrong to be the usurper of the opportunity for a marriage to recover. You must remove yourself from the picture. True love does not behave like this. Sneaky, lying, covenant breaker or intruder. It is not selfish. You must pull yourself together and live according to a higher principle; and redefined what true love is and how it behaves…even under the most difficult circumstances. I wanted to feel the passion of being in love so bad, I dropped my Christian morals and I allowed my self to be wooed by another man. Darling, whatever your reasons were for getting in too deep with this woman, remember this… She belongs to another. She will never be truly yours and could never love you with a love that is true and faithful; not as long as she is married. Is that really what you want? Get out the way and allow her marriage to recover if you really love her. Respect the bonds of marriage PERIOD. If she wants to end her marriage…she needs to do that without your emotional presence and help. If she decides to stay in it; good for her. In your unbiased opinion…you know it is a beautiful thing when couples can save their marriage and rekindle flames they thought were dead. You will learn to love again…after you have closure and allow your self to heal. You will be a better man for it. Rejection hurts, but not forever. Be a man of integrity. Praying you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. I met her online replying to a story she wrote asking what she meant in the story. After A couple weeks flirting via email we met for coffee. She parked next to me and I watched as she entered the coffee shop. It took me a few seconds to commit. Shaking I follow shortly after and sat down facing her. She is a very beautiful women inside and out, one of the one in a thousand women men are looking for to marry. She later confessed it made her rather uncomfortable the way I was looking at her. The sparks instantly ignited and we have have been in contact for over 3 years now. We do love each other, but we also still love our spouses, not in the same way but they have been in our lives almost all our lives. Both spouses have a serious medical condition. My lust for her is beyond my past life experience, she tells me she feels the same. Her job had changed which has effected the window of time we once had. Although I am back to being lonely as I once was we do still talk and text every day. My love for her has not subsided. As your article interluded to We both believe our spouses sense something is going on but suspicion is as far as the inquiries have gone. Our families have never met. I reconnected with an old girlfriend from when I was much younger a few years ago at my sisters wedding. Her husband was unable to attend and even though I was attracted to her and she was hitting on me that night I kept my distance knowing she was married. She kept finding me and talking about old times and flirting and as the alcohol started to ease my trepidation of messing around with her we wound up sleeping together that night, as well as, the rest of the week I was in town. Our hopes and dreams, our successes and failures and our proudest moments and biggest regrets. She told me of an 8-year plan to exit the marriage and get her two girls off to college. Originally I accepted it and figured that would give me time to get my own kids out of the house. She has spent a lot of time here at my house and my children are comfortable with her including me ex-wife. Her husband has known of the affair for years now and have exchanged a few unpleasant texts when her whereabouts were unknown to him. I feel I am wasting time hoping for something that may never come and worry that in the meantime she may either find a way to reconnect with him or find another situation that is ideal. So I have tried very hard to end it over the last several months. The harder I try to move on, the harder she makes it to do so. Time changes things and 8 years is a very long time to settle for 5%-10% of someones time and hope for the best. This is an extremely insightful article. I became freinds with this woman about 2 years ago while working together on the same team. We developed an amaizng friendship and had an unbelievable connection and chemistry. Bad part is her husband worked for the same company and I had previously worked with him. It was apparent even during that time theat they did not have a marriage that was very intimate. Needless to say over the course of time her and I developed a great friendship and had begun spending more time together going to happy hours, lunch, dinners, etc. Eventually we began a relatiosnhip in which we would see each other 5-7 days a week. She would not elave her husband though said she wanted to be with me. They would take trips, and do things taht normal married couples do. All while she would be communicating with me, telling me how much she loved me and would rather be hanging with me. Eventually, I got to that point where I knew I needed more from her. I love her very much and care very deeply for her. I love spending time with her and she is someone who I could defintiely see myself in a long term relationship with. SHe claimed she did not want to just up and leave her situation becasue of a hosue, pets, and wasnt sure how her family would feel about it. I had grown tired of being in this situation, and had finally got the courage to end things with her. Of course only within weeks she calls me, emails me telling me she finally has had the conversation with him and her family that they are going to separate. She has been to counseling, and has made the decision she is going to end her marriage. She still has not left, although its only been 2 more weeks since this ahs taken place. I have begun to tlak to someone else, who is a great person, an attractive person, but not someone I am extremely attracted to nor have that special connection with. I do not feel I will have that with anyone else in my life. I am very hurt by all that took place, but I am still in love with this woman and she claims to be in love with me and never felt anything like she has for me with anyone else. In my heart, I want to be with her. I know what happened was wrong. I know that if she truly is leaving her situation we could be happy. I am also worreid what my family will think and others. I also wonder if it is healthy and if I should continue to see her and be there for her as a friend. As a freind I know it is a tough time for her. I also know I have a strong attachment to her and do not want to end up getting hurt myself now or in the long run. Hi LB, thanks for your comment. So she is doing what anyone would do in her situation, hang onto everything at the same time. On your side, you said something very important when you indicated that you got to a point where you realize you need more from her. I think it was just a matter of time. The fact that she is seeing someone in counseling may help her with her ambivalence. The only problem is it may not happen fast enough. Questions always come up like, how long can you wait? And, is she really serious about leaving her husband? When someone like yourself who has fallen for a married woman starts getting fed up and starts dating other women, I expect as you experienced that at the beginning nobody is going to measure up. I hope this brainstorming has been helpful to you. Thanks for visiting my site. Knowing that real people like you are reading this blog is why I write. And I would assume that many would not be able to understand what you feel or are going through, simply because they have not experienced what you have I myself have experienced that deep connection with another soul, and feel compelled to comment, especially after reading the previous comment. The fact that that your woman is leaving her marriage, is clearly good news. Cynicism at this point is unwarranted and detrimental to the happiness all of us who seek it. This sort of cynicism kills even the idea happiness. I wish you would simply trust your heart and instincts and seek love and meaning in your life. As the wise doctor said, things are under her control. But they are under your control too. For instance, 16 years ago I worked with two people each of whom were married that had an affair with each other. They ended up getting divorced from their partners and getting married to each other a year or two later. They still remain marred with kids all of this time later. We have to be careful not to generalize too heavily when it comes to these situations. I think that there are too many cliches thrown around by people when it comes to marriage, affairs, divorce, etc. They will generalize too much. The problem with love triangles is the married or committed lover does not want to leave his or her spouse. Thanks for your comment. Hi this is very similar to my story but I am the woman I just wanted to know your city and just the first letter in your first and last name and if you quit talking to her when you got a girlfriend and had a baby. If your him I miss you but am very happy for you. Most is the same but if you were not any intmacy. But if it is you I miss my friend I wanted you to be happy and have a. You did not need to just quit talking to me all together for years. Sorry if I have the wrong person. Thanks for the article. I am in a pretty different situation here. I fell in love with a gal thinking she was single, our love got deep, then intimate with time.. After more than half an year she opened up a truth which she hid from me that she got married 3 years back and for the past 2. She said she hid the truth from me because she was afraid that she might lose me. She was unhappy with her husband, there has been instances where she was tortured by her husband. Husband didnt contact her for past 2. I love her very much as I began loving her thinking she was single, but still I couldnt let myself walk away when she said the truth because my heart said she is a wonderful woman, I dont mind her virginity, I love her and wish her for rest of my life as my wife. So I adviced her to get divorce which she has been trying before me coming into her life but she says local laws prevent her from getting immediate divorce unless her husband accepts for it. Else she has to wait for 4. Am pretty determined to wait until she gets divorce, even she agrees to wait but also make continued attempts to obtain immediate divorce. But until then she insists for the love and romance between us to continue. Hello dbos, thank you for your comment. Lying in love is never good. But some lies are less destructive than others. You said, your lover lied to you about her marital status in order not to scare you away. To my mind, that is a lie motivated by the fear of losing love. I sincerely hope that is the last time your lover lies to you, and I would tell her directly that is your hope. In fact it sounds more abusive than anything else. She is basically dealing with the legal issue of divorce. Sometimes people run away from a marriage when it dies without taking a little time to collect themselves, clear the old out and make space for the new, before jumping into another relationship. But in her case, it does sounds like there has been sufficient time out of the marriage to clear her head and make herself available in the relationship with you. So I say to you, go for it. Treat her well, and over time help her get her bad marriage out of her mind, by simply loving her. Thanks again for your heartfelt comment. It is always nice to hear what I did is right from a person like you. I want a very happy life with her and hope all the dreams which me and her share come true. Yes she promised me that there are no more lies she has got to hide from me. I warned her too that my heart cant take one more lie. Recently I asked her a question about how would she feel if she receives a news that her husband is dead. Her immediate reply was she would feel sad for few minutes, with a few tears. She said the tears are because even though he was a bad guy, she says she was true to him for few months. She adds that had sex with him and that she respects the fact that she lost her virginity to him. She adds that she had actually lost virginity of her heart and mind to me. How do you view her response? Hello dbos, It sounds to me like she really loves you. She also sounds like she is trying to be honest with you. Hope you find other relevant posts on the site as well. I have been trying to write about different kinds of love-life experience. I am very appreciative for your advice and explanation of this triangle. I am a female. I am sort-of another woman. Originally, I thought I was dating someone single, separated, pending divorce. We were friends for 9months before we kissed. One month after breaking it off with my boyfriend, my friend and I kissed and it was the most passionate feeling ever for me. Over the past year, it has become clearer that he loves his wife and wants to make it work. I know that I should end it, but this is a huge challenge. I know I need to break the triangle, but I am being stubborn because I have never felt so much compassion, friendship and physical desire for the same man. Hi, Thank you for your thank you. What I am understanding is that you fell in love with a married man who has no intention to leave his wife. Your situation illustrates the fact that love can and does show up even in circumstances where it has no chance of growing. Remember he has much less to lose than you. He already has an attachment to a person he wants to love more deeply wife. You are the single person in this story. You could waste a lot of time and end up ignoring the signs in you that tell you that you are ready to find a deeper more fulfilling love. He will probably want to hang onto you. I think when a man in his position lets go of a woman like you it is an act of love. Thank you so much, Dr. Since I have to gather all my guts to write down my story here, wich I will do at a time, but I am so curious, if you can tell me about another fact??. But is there some hope it does work out the other way round? What has to be the basis to walk out this way? I hope that was helpful. Let me know what you think. Thanks for visiting my blog. This is a very good article. This woman and I have been very good friends for about 5 years now. Back in January of 2010 we went on the first of 3 company trips together, training trips. It was a very good trip and I realized in a hurry that I cared for this woman more than I ever realized. We later went on 2 more trips in May and June of 2010. On the last trip I told her how I felt about her in that I loved her and I knew I did at this point. She was a little shocked and then the next day we drove out to the Jersey shore to a beach and walked together on the beach and just had a blast together. We were both married at this point. Her husband worked at the same company that her and I worked at as well and I know him. One thing to understand, this relationship has never went sexual but it is definitely very emotional. Well, my marriage fell apart in a hurry when my wife understood that I loved another woman. I told her we could move but she did not want to and in a small town as a computer programmer there are not many options. So, she decided enough was enough and asked for the divorce. Now, as for the woman, she is very Catholic and very co-dependent. But, from June til December of 2010 her relationship went south and her husband knew about me. She told me about a lot of issues in their marriage and we even went as far as discussing sex, etc… Her and I are very much alike and her and her husband are complete opposites with nothing in common. She has two kids but they were from her first husband who committed suicide. Anyway, our relationship kept growing and growing all the way through January of 2011. I think each of us worked more than we spent time at home… Never sexual but we did a lot of playing around and learning everything about each other. I think because her sister told her that she had to do everything in her power as a Catholic before she could get divorced. Well, then came May. At one point her and I were talking about going on vacation and she told me to text her husband and ask him if it was ok. Well, after verifying several times and having her give me his cell number I did. He had bought a house when she asked for the divorce and he decided at that point that it was time to move out. Yea sorry, have to be honest. The day I got out I went back to work and promptly got called to HR and was told I was being investigated for our relationship. She was very frustrated with me for awhile and her husband moved back home but that soon turned around. I started going to see her when she ran and walked as she runs 4 miles quite often. We did lots of things, layed in the ditch and flirted, etc. One day I met her out there while she was walking and she had a couple glasses of wine. Then a little later I picked her up and stuck her in the backseat. She would even joke with me about not wearing underwear and feeling her up, etc. Would probably have been the best thing for me. He has even followed me around, rode my bumper and honked at me, etc… Anyway, guess the point is that I Love this woman like crazy and I know she loves me. She is very co-dependent and we live in a small town. She will not make a decision unless the dear lord tells her too. She tells me and her husband that it is our choice as to whether to hang on or not. She hates that she makes two men miserable daily. She would love for me to be her friend because she says she loves so many things about me such as the fact that she can tell me anything. Thanks for your comment Curtis. That always makes loving a married woman more difficult. At some point, and this pretty much always happens, you are going to want more than she can give. She has an attachment to her husband she is hanging onto although she may not even understand why. If the gun episode indicates that you are suicidal over this potential heartbreak I would get yourself to a treatment experience right away. Emotional pain is best put into words rather than acted upon in potentially destructive ways. You are the one with the most to loss in this situation. If you are willing to settle for less than what I think you want need , you can try being her intimate, interesting, adventurous friend, maybe with an occasional sexual encounter. OK, consider this, it may take more strength to stay. Staying means being perpetually frustrated, teased, tempted, at times unbearably so. That takes a heavy emotional toll on a man. Take care of yourself. Shut it down and see whether she is willing to make any real serious changes in her situation. Start healing yourself as soon as possible. You may even have a little left over feeling about your marriage ending the way it did to review and contend with. Oh by the way, going in and out of a dead-end relationship with a married woman is also pretty taxing. Thanks for checking out my site. Hope you keep finding useful love-life info on it. I am the husband of this story. Approx 9 yrs ago my wife and I separated for about 2 months because I had asked her to stop speaking to the 3rd leg, which at the time was a non-sexual relationship. During the separation she spoke to him more and the no-sexual relationship became sexual. Even though I had an idea of what was going,I thought it would end, out of site out of mind mentality. So last year on November of 2011 my wife told me everything. She had told me that for 8 yrs she had been talking and engaged in sexual relations with him a handful of times. I then told her that I would like her to stop all communication with him. She told me that if she stops she gets anxious as if she needs to talk to him. I had no reaction because I already knew, I asked him to leave or I would call the law on him. At the end of the month I went on a 2 month business trip, of which she spent 2 weeks with me. During my absence she continued communication with him until she boarded the plane. While with me she had no communication with him at all. When we arrived she received a text that he had died so then she promptly tried to contact him. And since then she she has tried to stop talking to him he threatens to tell her family about the affair. She gives in and the communication continues. I have spoken with her after I read your article and I believe I am spot on. Thank you David for your e-mail. I am so glad that you found my article helpful. Your wife loves you but needs what is missing. It is common for a triangle to form for reasons other than sex. Perhaps you are involved in your work in ways that, not necessarily consciously, distance you from your wife. Instead, the wife feels the loss and tries to live with it. After a while, another man senses the feelings of need in her and tries to use that as a way to get into her heart. I thought that was great and you were on the right track. Now, you may need to do a little work on yourself as well. There may be something about open communication that feels foreign or uncomfortable to you. A couple of footnotes, sometimes what happens in a marriage has meaning that takes a person back in time. You sound like a very thoughtful and intelligent man and I think a short couples therapy would be very useful. They said this to avoid falling back into the same old painful cycle. Thanks again for your comment. Hope you continue to find my blog of use to you. I see folks opening up here to you and your advice is mostly neutral and sound. I will describe in short here anonymously. But those feelings exist and are very strong; our chemistry is off the charts and sex has been a topic. This has been going on for months and months. The fear I have is going too far will lead her to regret, guilt, and, ultimately, leaving me alone entirely. She became my best friend at first over the course of a few years. She would consult me, advise me, and be the ear I needed to talk to, my buddy, my best friend. She lives with her husband several hours away from me. Finally, one time she was visiting me, it just hit me. She goes on about her life with her husband and child; I go on about my unmarried life. But the communication that used to be there has fizzled to practically a standstill. We talked endless times about just cutting communication entirely for the sake of her marriage, each time deciding to still be there for each other. But now, the buddy I used to know now feels like just a friend. I do still talk with her on the phone almost daily. But the overall frequency of communication has diminished. We decided not to see each other a few months back when the opportunity presented itself. And after a few months apart, we met up again and those feelings that have been below the surface resurfaced and the wounds reopened. This leads me to believe she might love her husband, but is no longer IN love with her husband yet the security and life she currently has is too entrenched and too convenient. Why take a chance and a road unfamiliar. Yet, when we are together, we are one and hopelessly in love. When we are apart, we keep what we have a secret and just carry it with us. I love her so very much. And she loves me. The looks she gives me are indescribable. But this forbidden love is tearing me apart. I know that it would be best to just move on, leave her alone with her family. And she has admitted the same and says she wants me in her life too. The level to which we connected is one that I cannot describe in words. I always miss her and want her in my life forever. Thank you for your sincere comment. I will call you M. Quite obviously, you have fallen in love with a woman who is unavailable. Her marriage lacks the beauty and intimacy of your communication and connection with her. This being the case, she has found it somewhere else, in you. She predictably does not want to leave her husband, which you rightfully acknowledge would be the only way your love with her could grow. She has no incentive to leave. Some people will choose love and its ambiguities over security and its predictabilities. She is not one of those people. The most hopeful possibility is you are ready to fall in love only this is not the right available person. I have known people who were not really ready to be in love until after they have fallen in love with someone who was not quite available married person. If you leave and she realizes she cannot live without you, she will leave her marriage. The important thing is not to get bitter. You have to realize that the separation I am talking about will hurt but it will also free you to fall in love with an available woman at some point in the future. Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is the emotion of sadness and loss that naturally appears when we walk away from a limited love. Your heart will heal in a while. Be patient and identify the recurrent pain of loss as something you need to get through to strengthen and prepare you for the next love. Treat yourself well during this period. Take good care of yourself and strengthen good friendships. The popularity of the posts I have written on this subject has even prompted me to offer a tele-workshop in February on the issue of falling in love with a married person. I thank you for your candor and honesty. J, Thanks very much for your reply. Your recommendations make perfect sense. I find it difficult to recall the experiences and memories we had together and not feel attached to them which, in turn, translates to feelings for her. In any case, we recently decided to give each other time away from one another. Footnote: You know I have known people who were attractive to each other in the triangle and not so attracted out of a triangle. A lot of people dealing with this and not many learning opportunities going on. Thanks again for your response. This is my recent past almost exactly. I see this and recognize its truth. Being the other man but not knowing at the begining then not caring at least I tried to convince myself of that once i found out and transitioning to caring to much at the end. I did this not once but twice with the same woman. She remains in an emotionally abusive relationship… Sadly, I would probably do it again. Thanks Matt for your great comment. Sounds like you are on your way. Be careful about making the same mistake over and over again. That kind of thing can spoil your ability to love and be loved later on. Healing gets harder to do after a while. The reconnecting with your kids part is wonderful. When you get reconnected, I would say to you, never let your love-life disturb those relationships again. Falling in love with a married person is basically falling in love with an unavailable person. The dead end is always there no matter how intense the love might feel. I hope she does something about the abuse. Staying in an abusive relationship and trying to find a guy who can love her better in a triangle with her husband is never a long-term solution. I have some pretty good articles and audios on dealing with abuse. Thank you Corey for your comment. Your comment describes exactly the kind of reaction we hope for when providing useful information to people on our blog. Like you said, the hard part is when you fall in love with someone who is committed to someone else but not happy in that commitment. I figure the more you understand the pitfalls in your situation the better. The tele-workshop is called: The Person I Love Is Married: Coping with the love triangle. Thank you LR for your comment. I know your right. There are many many cases of spouses and adult children reacting to something like this with rage. In my experience, when rage, violence, or abuse occurs instead of the more vulnerable feelings that can lead to healing and constructive changes, something destructive happens. Thanks again for your comment. I know teen and adult sons will react with rage when another man is a gentleman to their married mother or some will abuse the mother for cheating on the father as well. And when they are young, they will grow up to be untrusting and possessive of women too. Yes, we hear of women cheating on their husbands or boyfriends with gentlemen who turn out to be dangerous, or bad. Women do cheat with losers. On top of that, I think you should write about what husbands should know about the other man because there are many things about him, especially bad things as well as the dangers of women cheating on their spouses and partners. Not only they risk an abusive spouse or partner but they also risk an abusive lover, or manstress, verbally, physically, and sexually as well as put their husbands, boyfriends, or children in danger of the manstresses. I am a woman in a similar situation. My marriage is OK, about 20 years together — have survived some great stresses in recent years, but on meeting this friend and talking for the first time about simple things,briefly,I found myself unable to stop wanting to be with him for life ever since. I have not acted on it and have fought the feelings for nearly 2 years and only see him now and then at various functions. I am not very happy in my marriage, but persevere. I also have a strong faith which encourages me to persevere. I do seem to suffer alot, there is alot of pain, due to my desire to be with this other and my inaction. I suspect even he does not know, unless he intuits my feelings for him. My husband is 15 years older than me. I never thought it would feel hard to love one man only. Thank you MB for your e-mail. When two people in a marriage drift apart, one of the things this state can create is interest in another person. Preferably someone who appears to offer, or could offer, what is absent, but needed, in the distant marriage. Now I am a great believer in doing one love thing at a time. Having said that, i think your marriage needs a jolt. What I mean is, your husband and you need to get into some difficult but important conversations. Now if your husband does not respond to this, that tells you a lot. If he responds with concern, worry, reassurance, change, more love, etc. I never liked triangles. They are limited, eventually painful, and very hard to get out of. MB, I hope this has been useful to you, and I hope you continue to use my Love-Life Learning Center. If you are interested in getting a little more help figuring this out, I do telephone consultations. You can register for one at my website. Not much has changed. He always wants to avoid discussion of the relationship and when I tried recently, he said it was making him nervous, he disappeared and avoided me for hours, until the opportunity was gone. I feel I just want to be his friend forever, would help him in any way I could towards his happiness.. It is such a nuisance this falling in love. Since sharing about the situation with you I have felt more settled and when seeing my friend have felt more relaxed. There is alot of love there, on my part I can be sure, and so I will just keep being the best friend I can. He also has a strong faith and so would be unlikely to do anything rash, even if he did have feelings for me I am sure. Maybe it will just wear off. I have decided that telling him of my feelings might be the first step to doing alot of harm…and yet if I were to die tomorrow or something had happened to him I might wish he had known how much I cared. I feel that using self control and self discipline and whatever wisdom I can find, might enable me to continue to love my friend deeply, accept that it might never go further and give my husband and children the mother and wife they deserve. Dr J are there any warning signs here I should be concerned about or does this all sound like a good idea? Hi MB, thank you for your comment. I have never been big on trying to get away from feelings of being in love. Even though I can appreciate the obligations you have to your family and marriage. This conflict between following your heart and keeping your obligations has been plaguing human beings forever. Being a romantic myself, my tendency would be to go with the heart. I have known plenty of people who chose to avoid the turbulence and disruptions of love in favor of the predictable control of what is familiar. Try to make the best decision possible for yourself, and be kind to yourself when you do it. No matter which option you choose there are advantages and disadvantages to both. The topic of whether or not and when to follow your heart is a good issue to work with. Hi Dr J, have talked openly about a trial separation with the family, but have not given a clear reason for this, only that I believe I might be happier and it might be worth me testing out whether this might be the right way to go. The husband is showing little if any reaction at all, other than to say he mainly wants me to be happy and whatever that takes is fine with him. He is not showing any anger, concern, worry, sadness and even said he will make sure I am looked after OK if we decide to split. He has always said he is not someone who has feelings about things and only ever works on facts and that I have to decide what to do. There is no resistance or attempt to keep me whatsoever. The teenager just wonders why I would want to consider a split. I have made a plan that in a few months if I feel the same way we will separate as a trial. I have suggested that I am the one who goes, so as not to hurt, harm others as much by uprooting their home, routines etc. Once separate I would not see the other interest for a couple of months and allow the grief experience to work on me. Maybe after that I could consider the other relationship possibilities and test its reality. I would be doing all of this without knowing whether a new long term relationship could develop. What if I am in love with a fantasy only? Yet, I consider this pathway based on what I have read here…that if you think you are serious, a real break is needed.. I am not wanting to break up to find someone else. I love my husband and will always care…but my life has been turned upside down for the last 1. I have wondered whether I can even cope with this whole process…. The children are my number one concern. Could letting this other know my feelings and possibly also my plan be wise? Or should I stay silent and continue to feel my way and take steps to test my feelings through separation and hope that the wisdom of the process will mean whatever is right will then evolve? Thank you MB for your comment. You are a very courageous person. The fact that you are trying to act on your situation is a great thing. You have several very important unanswered questions to answer. I agree with you, only your feelings will provide the answer. There are three important issues going on in your love life at present. The first is what to do about your marriage. I think your husband should question the way he relates to his emotions since they are such a rich source of information about who and what a person is. You need to figure out what to do about your marriage. Sometimes a separation is the easiest way to do this. Of course there is a question in my mind whether or not you should be leaving and not him. You should think further about that. The second issue is your children. Whether or not you chose to leave or stay and have your husband leave, you should prepare your children. In my experience they are usually aware of the closeness or lack of closeness between parents. They are usually concerned as you mentioned with whether or not they will lose contact or love in the transitions. A reassurance here is very important. Talking openly about these changes and listening to their feelings and concerns will take a big load of worry off your back not entirely but a lot. If not, better to know as soon as possible. Once altered, they are uncomfortable. A course of treatment to help him learn how to better live with his feelings may be in order if he is interested. I wish you great luck and clear vision as you embark on the personal journey. Thank you for using my blog. First off, we have only known each other for a few weeks, but I think we have become good friends with some chemistry and alot in common, as well as opening up about our lives. I originally thought she was single, because she did not mention any boyfriend or husband, when I asked her wether she was married, she immediately said no, but then she said she has been living with someone for a couple years, although they are not legally married and do not have any kids. She also started telling me about how much they fight, never do anything together, and eventually she has thoughts of moving out. I definitely want to continue our friendship, but I have also fallen in love with her and I am tempted to let her know this and eventually help her leave her unhappy relationship. Would this be a crazy idea? Should I be wary of any problems ahead? Thank you again, the responses you have posted are very professional and informative. Thank you Johnny for your e-mail. I would remind you that people change only because they want to. This is one thing in life that no one can do for us. The best thing would be if she leaves him on her own without any help from you. This would confirm her desire to be emotionally available to you. My guess is she is attached to him. Along with that attachment comes emotional ambivalence. This involves having the feelings of wanting to leave and being attached at the same time. With that kind of mind set a person goes back and forth and has trouble making up his or her mind. So, the best thing for you to do is send her back to her relationship to figure out if she wants to keep it and make it better, or leave it and eventually start something up with you. This would be a problem she should avoid. Best thing for her to do is make herself a single woman again. You should stay away from her until she does that. Once a single woman again, you get to be a best friend, aware of her need to clear her mind-heart of the last relationship. Take care of Johnny. Do whatever you can to strengthen yourself, heal your heart in a constructive way, let yourself grieve the loss strong men do cry , make your friendships stronger, and build your social life. And above all, learn the lesson that a triangle is no place for a man looking for true love. By the way, your situation is only a few weeks old, so you get a chance to make a change without years of attachment to contend with. Hope this has been useful, and appreciate your use of my blog. If you are interested in getting a little more help figuring this out, I do telephone consultations. You can register for one at my website. I just wanted to let you know that I should have truly listened to your wise words, and I am a fool for not having done this. My situation played out in just a couple of weeks, this lady began to pursue me,she told me how in love with me she was, we had some great times, and I was imagining a future together, but ultimately she decided to stay with her husband, in spite of what I mentioned in my last comment that her husband treated her badly, and neglected her. We have to see each other everyday for the rest of the college semester, and just seeing her, and hearing her voice is painful for me. This has been a very painful lesson, and just like you told me I will never become involved in a love triangle again. I will try and do things that will make me feel better and productive, such as exercise and schoolwork, as well as appreciating those people who truly care about me such as my friends and family. J, for putting together such an informative and helpful website. I will visit regularly, because emotional experiences like these can be difficult and painful, and I have seen for myself how accurate, helpful, and even prophetic, your advice can be. Thanks Johnny for your comment and kind words. I am sorry for your pain but glad that you are free to heal and get out there again. Your plan to focus on self-development is the best. Now is a good time to strengthen yourself from the inside out. By the way, judging by your words I think you are a sensitive and thoughtful man who will do just fine in the area of love, being yourself and keeping a critical eye on who is trying to get into your heart. This means she would have men converted to friendship whom she can re-convert to lover status as needed sort of like a pain killer. She may be one of those individuals for you. Only true friends and 100% available women need apply! They might be out by the end of March. Trying to find the easiest and most effective way to get the information people need out there. Anyway Johnny, take care and good luck. Let me know how your doing from time to time. When I see her I feel like the most happiest man on the world and like the most miserable person on the Earth. We have the same interests. I love to make her happy by making a dinner for her or writing a rhyme for her for example. We shared our dreams, we shared our fears. And I can hide — so do I. But I know Sigmund Freud has written once that you can never make the right decision when you raising a child. Her husband drinks very much and IMO sees her as only sex toy and mother of his son. Probably he feels some strange kind of love to her. He has asked her to make another one. She declined and asked him for more time 1 year. I love her and I will never lose her. I feel very guilty and miserable due to this situation. Thank you Stan for your comment. I have learned in my life that love can show up at the wrong time, the wrong place, and with the wrong person. Your feelings are strong. This combination is very meaningful. According to what she has told you, she remains in her marriage for her child, and she cannot make an immediate decision about her marriage. This means you are being asked to wait without anything definite. This assumes of course that she decided to leave her marriage. This is the hard part for you. She needs someone to make her difficult marriage more tolerable. This is the hard part for you. Sometimes in life we have to take action on our own behalf even though our heart is saying no. It is always difficult to go when our hearts are filled with love but our mind is telling us that it is not going to work. The alternative is long-term emotional pain. It is time to take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve your loss, and find the love you need somewhere else. Thank you a lot for your response! And I can lose her as friend too — not now, not today, not this year. The only thing that will give me strength are those 2 words, which are making my heart beat so strong. Then I will not be able to suffer more with her. Thinking about him keeps me motivated every day. I also fell pregnant to this other man and have his child, husband knows I had affair, and knows the baby is not his. Baby is being raised in our family with my husband raising her. I love the other man so much, I dream of our future together, but I know the reality is, for the sake of my family, I have to stay with my partner. I love him and I know he loves me. Thanks for a great article. Thank you Caroline for your comment. The fact that you have had a baby by your lover makes your situation extra intensive. Usually, love triangles are formed in order to avoid a marital problem and get what is needed outside of a marriage. In your situation, the presence of your new baby, indicates something more profound. In my experience, some people choose security or obligation or some standard of acceptability as the reason for a marital commitment. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I tend to favor a love life derived from the feelings that I have for someone. The proof is in the fact that I chose to be alone until I met the one that made me feel in love. If I chose to stay with a limited love I know I would be sacrificing my happiness. Some would not hesitate a second, others would run away. This is the kind of risk that disturbs us deeply while at the same time offers us a chance at real happiness. I wish you the best choice for yourself. Thank you for using my blog. Hope I continue to be useful to you in the further. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on my situation which does have an added perspective to your article. I am the other man in a quadrangle, i. She assures me that the only reason they continue to live together is purely financial, she simply cannot afford to move out. I understand that this is an increasingly common problem. She has also been very honest regarding their relationship which she tells me is one of mutual respect and friendship, nothing more. I even suggested to her that perhaps they should attempt to reconcile their differences even though this was painful for me. I have told her that her sense of obligation to be home by a certain time even to cook their meals occasionally is extremely offputting and have told her recently that I need a cooling off period to reassess my feelings. Her response was to tell me that she is in love with me, asking me to be patient. The situation is complicated further by her serious health issues. I have explained to her that I find it extremely difficult knowing that she is living under the same roof as another man even though she tells me they have separate rooms, as when we leave each other I come home to an empty house. I am in love with her no doubt and despite one occasion of passionate kissing have refrained from sexual advances for obvious reasons. She is very keen to visit me at my home which I think is a bad idea. I fluctuate between hope and despair. The chemistry is unlike anything I have experienced with a woman before. She is intelligent, creative, elegant and beautiful and we laugh like teenagers. The easy route would be to let go, but there would always be the possibilty of regretting a missed opportunity unique in my expereince of women. I should add that we share a profound spiritual affinity which has been evidently lacking in her relationship with her estranged husband. Hi Ian, thank you for your comment. I can truly understand how important this can be for you. I sense your need for a deeply meaningful and loving relationship in your life. The proof is in the degree of sacrifice she is making. Unfortunately, she is not aware of the extent to which her love-life is limited and its unhealthy effect on her. Money and love are simply not in the same league if you know what I mean. Some people, however, opt out of love because of the hurt it can create and instead emphasize the value of security or money. In my experience these are usually people who have secretly given up on love or simply mistrust love as the primary motivator in life. If this is true and I think it is, where does it leave you? The single lovers in a quadrangle are always the most vulnerable. This relationship can teach to a lot about yourself. If you choose to end it, be sure to allow yourself to grieve until your heart says enough. Otherwise you can get into the unhealthy cycle of going back, leaving, going back, leaving, etc. Our objective is to get the information out there that people can use to minimize the difficulty and hurt this kind of love-life problem can create. Hope this has been useful to you. Good luck to you. Thanks for the article. Once she asked my number and we started talking on regular basis. She has a 3 year old boy. But she never lied to me from the very first day. We talk on phone only so its not about the sex, its the friendship, attachment and desire to be with each other that holds us. We talk on phone so much every day that it affects our daily lives. I am 22 and still studying, she is 32 and do job. We are 1400 km apart…I wish I could marry her. Sometimes she says we should move on. But what this does is, it leaves both of us in supreme depression almost everyday…. In the night we cry talking about moving on and in the morning again shower ultimate love…. This is a great dilemma. Neither we can be together nor have emotional guts to move on. It is slowly ruining her social life, job and other aspects and my career. We know but just cant live widout each other. Thank you Harsh for your comment. Because you have the most to lose. She has the security of her marriage and the obligation toward her child. You have your needs and hopes for more. This can only be temporary unless you are willing to sacrifice your love-life in the long-term. I would not recommend that. You deserve more than she can give you. It is entirely possible to meet the right person at the wrong time. She is not available emotionally for the depth your heart is longing for. Yes she does need you in order that she not feel the depth of her unhappiness. However, until she does, she cannot make a decision about her marriage. Practically speaking, she will not assess her marriage as long as she has you to distract her. If you discontinue your relationship for the purpose of urging her to make a decision about whether or not to stay with you or her husband, her choice will tell you a lot about what is possible in your relationship. If she prefers a triangle to working out her martial problems or leaving her husband, then you are free to leave and find someone who is emotionally available. Hope this has been helpful. Dr Jordan, I am glad there is someone out there offering advice to desperate people on this side. Great post by the way. This is the situation: some months ago I met this married woman, we became really good friends, we both go to grad school here in the U. I was okay with everything at the moment, I mean leaving the situation. I thought it was weird While I was back home I met another girl, she is american so I got to see her once here in the U. So with 6 billion people in the world, I really want to first work on all these issues on myself and secondly know someone fresh, without bindings, that I am more attracted to, but I also learned that even that can be secondary at times, but particularly someone else, knowing that there are so many options. Thanks Rodolfo for your comment. It is sort of like using people to feel better. The outcome is often bad, resulting in conflict. People need a little time between relationships to clear their head and heart. Also, the problem with being in a relationship with a married or committed woman is your presence exists because she has a relationship problem that is not being solved. Having an affair with someone in order to deal with a relationship issue is only delaying the inevitable. Now I know a lot of men who seek out married women because they believe the stress and demand on them will be less. The part-time nature of the relationship might seem good for the moment. When you said you were not in love with your married woman I thought to myself he has more ability to come and go as he sees fit, than he really knows. If you fall in love with a married woman you only have three options; 1. Hope this has been helpful to you. You know, so many men have contacted me with concerns about falling in love with a married person that I am working on an online class for the fall 2013 to help people learn ways to work their way through these often painful and limited relationships. By the way, if you do fall in love with her and she leaves her husband you would have to understand her need to get emotional closure and begin living as a single woman again in order to clear her head before she can be available again for an exclusive relationship. That would take some time, patience, and friendship. Thanks for the article. I finally found some people that cann relate to the love I have for this women. When I try to explain to my friends the love we share they just look at me with a comfused look on their face. It like the love we have is in 3D and we are the only two people on the planet with the glasses to see it. She wants to leave but she is married to a well known doctor and has three kids to support which I am in no postion to do after my own divorce has left me crippled financially. He knows about our affair but will not divorce her because of what if will cost him financially not because he loves her. She tells me once her last child goes of to college she will divorce him. I realize all things being equal that is not a long time to wait but what if her youngest decides not to go out of state for college and wants to go to the local college and stays at home. What if he still refueses to the divorce. There is no question she wants to be with me as much or more than I do but there are so many moving parts in this whole situation. We have both tried to get help with a theropist but no one can seem to give us the answer we need to get through this. Thank you Richard for your heartfelt comment. I am going to assume, without knowing details, that her children would forgive her for her need for love. My guess is the children somewhere in the back of their hearts know that their father is a controlling and unhappy man. To manipulate a woman to stay in a marriage for appearance sake or simply to remain free of financial divorce obligations is questionable behavior. In fact, your presence is probably the reason it has been bearable to her this long. It appears that she is suffering. It appears that you are suffering as well. Otherwise the future is tenuous as you indicated in your comment. Waiting around without certainty with only a part-time availability when you are in love with someone is painful. I would suggest you tell her in the most intimate way possible that you realize that your part-time relationship exists because she has not made an ultimate decision about her marriage. I would tell her that you are available as a support and friend for her if she decides to leave her husband and live independently. Eventually you would be able to date and develop your non-triangular regular love relationship with her if it is in the cards for the two of you after she has left her marriage. That tells me that you have a healthy need for love inside of you. Perhaps a short period of counseling with a focus on helping you separate yourself if she stays with her husband and figuring women out a little for the next full-time love relationship. Hope this has been helpful. I appreciate your interest in my blog. Thanks for this article. Thanks Ralph for your comment. When you couple up with a woman who is married you have to expect the possibility of lies and half truths. Remember the relationship is usually founded on deception to begin with. Even if they do, there is still a lot of hiding and censoring going on. Right now you are grieving the loss and hope that you could have a deeper and more loving relationship. This period of sadness and loss may last a while. Allow yourself to feel the loss and take good care of yourself during this period. Remember grief is not sickness or weakness, it is the natural result of loss. Be sure to learn a few things about what not to do in your love life as a consequence of this experience. I think the biggest lesson will be, make sure the next woman is 100% available for a love relationship. No more married women. Thanks Ralph for using my blog, hope you continue to find it useful to you. I am in a situation, but from a bit of a different perspective. We met quite a few years ago, dated for a while, but I ended up with someone else at the time. We recently reconnected a few months ago and have been talking everyday since. It recently became physical again when I went to go visit her. It is a long distance we have between us, so seeing each other physically will be few and far between. Her husband is in the navy and is rarely ever home, when he is, they do not get along for the most part. We are both in love with each other and she has told me that she does want to be with me, but its just not that black and white because of their two childrren, otherwise she said she would have no problem packing up and leaving now. I know its not right, but I can not help how I feel I suppose. Thank you Jake for your comment. The future of your relationship will be determined by whether or not she stays with her husband. The existence of children should never require living with a man you do not love.